I Don’t Rock Stilletos

My wife wears my clothes. She says they are comfortable.

I’m not allowed to wear hers. Not that I want to, but there’s a double-standard. Women have that luxury. It’s cute because she’s half my size, so when she dons one of my sweaters its like her own personalized Snuggie.

If I tried to squeeze myself into one of her sweaters it would be like wearing fuzzy Under Armour. And of course there are few other items of clothing and accessories in her wardrobe that could easily land me in a Psychiatric Ward or worse, in my Bishops office getting an earful as he extols the values and virtues of a father and husband.

When women do it we call it ‘trendy‘. When men do it, its called ‘cross-dressing‘, insane and downright wrong. See: Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie.

I love women, I really do. But I don’t want to be one. I really don’t. However, more often than not women get away with a lot of things that a normal guy would be shot on the spot for or at the very least thrown in jail.

So I’ve started compiling a mental list of the “Things Women do That Men Would Be Killed For“. Double standards, if you will. Some of them are less bothersome than others but mostly, they are just annoying. (FYI: Cross-dressing is at the bottom of the list.)

For example, when women yell and scream at the top of their lungs at their kids’ basketball game people say, “Oh she’s very competitive.”

When I yell and scream people say things like, “Calm down jerk!” or “Sit down and stuff a sock in your mouth you idiot!” To which I only wish I had the nerve to reply, “Tell your wife to do the same.” But that’s not something a 230-lb Polynesian should be saying in a crowd. That’s yet another story for yet another day.

How many times have you witnessed or become victim to a traffic cop who can’t wait to whip out the ticket and say, “Slow down sir,” for going 10-miles over the speed limit, only to watch the same cop give your wife a warning and send her on her way with a smile after she breaks the sound barrier in a school zone?

Women, you often complain that life is so unfair. I think the odds are stacked against those of us who don’t have a pretty face, a cute laugh, nice legs and cleavage. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin’…..


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