I’m not a rapper but…..

Rumor has it that G-Dubb can do the Stinky Leg - Photo by Pamela SM

The life of a rapper/hip-hop artist may be appealing to many out there, especially the rising generation. I admit, when I was a kid there were a few rappers that I thought were pretty cool and as kids we wanted to emulate them in some way or fashion.

There are people very close to me who are into the hip-hop scene and are pursuing their dream of a lucrative contract and a life of luxury. I wish them the best. I on the other hand, reserve my right to be a computer software nerd and writer. It is a life I’m suited for and I’m fine with that.

I don’t condemn rappers any more than I criticize celebrities in the world of sports, television, movies or politics. I guess what I’m trying to say is, everyone is a target, myself included.

If I were to analyze the life of a hip-hop star (and if you’re reading this it means I’ve analyzed it enough to write about it) there are several reasons that have prevented me from ever considering a career and life as a rapper.

For example, I don’t go out of my way to offend women, insult women by calling them derogatory names, objectifying women or subjecting them to cruelty and lasciviousness. I don’t travel around with a posse or entourage unless you consider my sons, my nephews, my Scouts and a blonde woman I call Super Mom my crew.

I don’t wear bling, over-sized jeans, faux-fur, outlandish outfits and gold chains. I also avoid saying silly things that don’t make sense just for the sake of saying something. Okay that last won is debatable but you get my drift.

The Good Book tells us that we are not to covet and yet there are a few things about rappers that I (sadly) wish I had.

  1. For starters, I really wish I had a grill. Who wouldn’t enjoy getting broccoli and beef stuck in a row of platinum and diamonds concealing your actual teeth?
  2. I WANT a stage name. Something that illustrates my monetary value in the world like “50Cent“. Something that sets me apart from the rest of the world like “Common“. Or give me a name that gives me some street credibility and that gangsta aura. Something with a real mean edge like “Lil Romeo“. I will also settle for my name spelled with special symbols like Nip$ey Hu$$le. Yeah, $et Dollah-Hollah Rhymes would be awesome!
  3. I proclaim myself royalty or at the very least I should be a part of some self-appointed rapper dynasty. I would rule alongside someone like Queen Latifah and have a royal court that includes Sir Mix-A-Lot and Lord Infamous.
  4. I want to make up my own words because the thousands upon thousands of words we already have aren’t sufficient enough for rappers. Rappers have a way of making up words if they can’t find one that rhymes with the word from their last sentence. Or maybe I can just speak with homonyms and have the world wonder what I really mean by all the nonsense and psycho-babble that is often spouted by my rapping counterparts.

No, I was not born, bred or will ever be a rapper because its just not me. Can you imagine a guy like me on stage flapping my arms around and yelling strange rhymes? Not a pretty picture.

Maybe I’m a country singer?

6 thoughts on “I’m not a rapper but…..

  1. That GWB caption is (excepting my son’s sweet antics) the most awesome thing I’ve seen in many days. 😀

    I’m not sure how you’d do as a country singer, but I’m pretty sure I’d enjoy your assessment articulation process as much as I enjoyed it here.

    1. Lani, the posse tries to take over the show most of the time! Love ’em anyway. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. VERY insightful and entertaining.

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