Suggestions for cheering parents

Sometimes the only alternative for me is isolation from the rest of the normal fans. Courtesy zhurnaly.com

He stood at the top of the stands in all of his glory – a tight fitting shirt to show off his girth, short shorts because if they were longer they would make him look like a troll. What remained of his hair was unkempt and there was no other way to describe his general appearance except for ‘disheveled’.

In his hand he held his drink. His cheap $5 sunglasses from the local convenience store concealed his blood shot eyes, a result of too much sun and wind, allergies and lack of sleep.

Directly in front and below him, laid out like a priceless emerald gem, was a football field. Two opposing teams cautiously made eye contact as they prepared for their upcoming match. Among the participants were the man’s sons, ducking behind their teammates to avoid the man’s stares and his eventual outbursts.

Outbursts. It’s what he does best. The rest of the crowd cheers; he does something else – something that embarrasses his family and his kids on the team. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help it. He taunts the refs. He taunts mascots. He yells at opposing fans. He does everything that a normal fan would never dare do, except of course, exposing himself. He hasn’t gone that far…yet.

Sound familiar? It does to me because I’m THAT guy. For the most part when I taunt and jeer I like to think that I’m being clever but honestly, I’m just being a jerk. Despite all of my attempts to keep my mouth in check, the minute my tongue can pry my teeth and lips open I know before the first words start to trickle out that what I’m about to say is going to make someone laugh, but later on it will guarantee the wrath from Super Mom and her merry band of mini-me’s.

I’ve quickly earned a reputation that I’m trying to escape. To help you avoid the same fate at every one of your child’s games, try using the following methods:

  1. Sit in the parking lot — If you can’t control your passion, temper, tongue or all of the above you may want to find a seat that is far from the action, but close enough that you can still feel like someone cares about what you’re spouting off about. Banish yourself and save everyone else the headache and the cops the hassle of pulling out their handcuffs.
  2. Run for public office — Most politicians learn a very important skill: How to manage your mouth. Politicians who can’t master this skill generally end up like Rod Blagojevich or John Edwards. In the stands you can just glad-hand people, say something positive like, “Vote for Pedro” and then don’t speak unless spoken to. Simple.
  3. Wear a bag on your head — If you just can’t resist shooting your mouth than your best option is a large paper sack over your head. It will conceal your identity (to save your sons’ honor) and you can walk around town with your head held high every other day of the week because no one can associate you with the jerk in the stands.

Tonight as I don my purple shirt (that’s our school color and it makes me feel sexy) and head off to another high school football game where my family will reserve a seat for me in the parking lot, I’ll be waving to my fellow fans and shouting “Vote for Pedro” through my brown paper sack mask.

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10 Responses to Suggestions for cheering parents

  1. Lei says:

    Hilarious….this is for me too….I am just shy of doing the worm on the track. There is a better way to show my support and glee. You will have your sign and I’ll have mine 🙂 Maybe we should tailgate…the banished ones 🙂 Oxtail soup anyone?

    • Seti Matua says:

      Forget about cheering, lets talk more about oxtail soup!

    • Susie Delozier says:

      Seti; When Brandon started playing bb in school I was one of those who yelled at the refs and insulted their intelligence. What I soon came to realize was that my taunts were not going to change their calls, and they are not perfect, just as I am not perfect. Even refs make bad calls but my yelling and screaming only served to make me angry (contention is not of the Lord) and foolish looking. I have never known a ref to change a call because of something a fan said to them. Refs are only human, suffering from human emotions as all of us are, and the more taunts and jeers hurled at them the more it affects their calls, usually to your team’s deficit.
      We should institute a “Be kind to the Ref” week or day to honor all those crazy people who willingly take on the job of refereeing sports. I wouldn’t do it for all the chocolate in Hershey, PA.

      • Seti Matua says:

        I agree Susie – Ref’s are human and will make an errant call here and there. But for the most part I think they try their best to be fair. Thanks for your thoughts and comments. I’ll try my best to keep my opinions in check because I’ll be cheering for many years to come.

  2. Maxim says:

    Not a bag…perhaps a super hero mask! That is loads better!

  3. Jason says:

    While on the wrestling team in high school, there was a dead who literally went insane every time his son wrestled. He screamed, shook, turned bright red and sometimes purple, somehow he didn’t explode or spontaneously combust. One time, he smashed his head on the bleachers by accident and got like twenty stitches. Needless to say, he learned his lesson.

  4. LyfesLyfe says:

    LOL @ wear a bag on your head!!! Uh.. looks like you and I will be sitting next to each other NOT biting our tongues. Im a Bears fan, we dont bite our tongue for anyone. Hahaha

  5. Lloyd says:

    Aha!!! So you’re the one! 😉

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