Seriously! I’m having one of those days months where I can’t seem to get my mind straight. I’m particularly a basket case on the emotional end of the life’s broad spectrum of up’s and down’s because people, really good people keep dying around me. That is amplifying every other aspect of my life to the point that I can’t seem to focus much because my brain feels like its literally going to implode.

Ironically, on Sunday I was telling a group of 16-18 year olds that when life has tripped you up and you have done a less than graceful face plant on asphalt it becomes even more important to concentrate on the things that matter most. Have faith that the trials you are going through right now may be daunting but there is a valuable lesson to be learned in all of our hardships.

Unfortunately it doesn’t take away from the reality – it hurts! And it sucks.

All day I have been sitting here having a “pity party for one” because life just is not going the way I planned. I’m trying to stay optimistic because my attitude is stifling my creativity which means my writing is suffering which means the only outlet I have for my frustration is rage – unadulterated, unfiltered, uncontrolled, all-encompassing rage; the stuff of legends. And I can’t back it off. It’s been two days and the news last night that a good man whom I have known now for more than ten years died suddenly of a heart attack last night or the fact that my brother is having some severe health issues right now has just fanned the flame even more. I can’t shake it. I can’t take it.

I’ve considered driving south to Goblin Valley or out west to Skull Valley or some other vast, desolate place, hiking in a few miles and just yelling at the top of my lungs until I can’t breathe anymore and my throat is ragged and torn to ribbons.

Maybe I should drive to a ranch and stand in front of a stampeding herd so I can watch my life pass by in front of my eyes before my body and my troubles are trampled to dust.

Or maybe I need to take my own advice and think about the things that I’m grateful for like, being alive another day to watch my sons grow and kiss my wife. Maybe I should be happy that I’m employed when there are so many who don’t have a way to provide for their family in an economy that is still lingering on the brink of disaster. Maybe I should be grateful that I’m a free man and I have relatively good health and a family that loves me instead of incarceration, bleeding ulcers and ostracism.

The reality is cruel and yes it sucks but I’ve been mentally talking myself down from the emotional ledge for two days now and it’s clawing away at my brain so I need to focus on the good.

Life sucks but I gotta suck it up! I need to forget about myself and think about all of those who are suffering far worse than I think I am. I need to serve others to forget myself. That’s what I’ve asked others to do – so time for some of my own medicine.

Advertisements