I’m plotting my own demise

Seriously! I’m having one of those days months where I can’t seem to get my mind straight. I’m particularly a basket case on the emotional end of the life’s broad spectrum of up’s and down’s because people, really good people keep dying around me. That is amplifying every other aspect of my life to the point that I can’t seem to focus much because my brain feels like its literally going to implode.

Ironically, on Sunday I was telling a group of 16-18 year olds that when life has tripped you up and you have done a less than graceful face plant on asphalt it becomes even more important to concentrate on the things that matter most. Have faith that the trials you are going through right now may be daunting but there is a valuable lesson to be learned in all of our hardships.

Unfortunately it doesn’t take away from the reality – it hurts! And it sucks.

All day I have been sitting here having a “pity party for one” because life just is not going the way I planned. I’m trying to stay optimistic because my attitude is stifling my creativity which means my writing is suffering which means the only outlet I have for my frustration is rage – unadulterated, unfiltered, uncontrolled, all-encompassing rage; the stuff of legends. And I can’t back it off. It’s been two days and the news last night that a good man whom I have known now for more than ten years died suddenly of a heart attack last night or the fact that my brother is having some severe health issues right now has just fanned the flame even more. I can’t shake it. I can’t take it.

I’ve considered driving south to Goblin Valley or out west to Skull Valley or some other vast, desolate place, hiking in a few miles and just yelling at the top of my lungs until I can’t breathe anymore and my throat is ragged and torn to ribbons.

Maybe I should drive to a ranch and stand in front of a stampeding herd so I can watch my life pass by in front of my eyes before my body and my troubles are trampled to dust.

Or maybe I need to take my own advice and think about the things that I’m grateful for like, being alive another day to watch my sons grow and kiss my wife. Maybe I should be happy that I’m employed when there are so many who don’t have a way to provide for their family in an economy that is still lingering on the brink of disaster. Maybe I should be grateful that I’m a free man and I have relatively good health and a family that loves me instead of incarceration, bleeding ulcers and ostracism.

The reality is cruel and yes it sucks but I’ve been mentally talking myself down from the emotional ledge for two days now and it’s clawing away at my brain so I need to focus on the good.

Life sucks but I gotta suck it up! I need to forget about myself and think about all of those who are suffering far worse than I think I am. I need to serve others to forget myself. That’s what I’ve asked others to do – so time for some of my own medicine.

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4 Responses to I’m plotting my own demise

  1. hkatoa says:

    I had a hard time sleeping last night after receiving the news as well. I am with you on this one… it hurts… but I am going to serve those boys until it stops hurting… and I know that when I look to either side I will see great people such as yourself doing the same. God bless you for all you do and for putting these darn emotions into words. Keep up the good work.

    • Seti Matua says:

      Yeah bro – my brain feels like it’s been wrapped around a pole with all that’s going on. Bott’s death just solidifies that I have some issues I haven’t confronted after my dad’s death, brother’s death, etc. Relying on our Father in Heaven heavily right now for answers.

  2. I’m so sorry for your losses. The commercial that says, “Life comes at you fast…” really hits home. Unfortunately, that’s just how it is sometimes. I am confident that you will get through this stronger than you even are now. What a great example you are for those kids you teach…they are SO blessed to have you. When things turned upside down for us a couple of years ago, I tried to figure out exactly which lessons were “hidden” in each challenge that was thrown at me. One thing that I learned (and I only wish that I had learned this one MUCH earlier) was to “Lay it at His Feet”…I have literally done that on many occasions and everytime, without fail, His tender mercies are bounteously showered upon me. Hang in there, you’re inspiring to me…Oh, and it was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. to spend the day with Supermom in Minneapolis last week…I SO needed to that…Love that woman:))
    ~M

    • Seti Matua says:

      Life is definitely moving at such a higher, faster pace. I’m so grateful for your words of comfort and for your prayers. I’m especially grateful that you and Super Mom have such a genuine, loving friendship. She absolutely adores you. Hoping and praying that you are always safe in your travels.

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