I’m on my way to Pismo Beach, CA to spend the weekend with a beautiful blonde. After a painstaking wait in a crowded terminal that seemed to last forever, I boarded an airplane in Salt Lake City at 9:40 p.m. Mountain Time on a flight bound for San Francisco. No problems right? Not exactly. Thanks to the subzero temperatures these past few days in SLC we spent a half hour in an airplane deicing queue then another 15 minutes waiting for our turn on the runway.
All of this may have been irritating except for the fact that this trip is for leisure and I’m trying my best not to be annoyed when I’m supposed to be enjoying. Besides, I fell asleep the moment my butt filled my assigned seat and I was sitting in First Class so to be negative would have seemed ungrateful and to some extent perverse considering the circumstances.
I arrived in San Francisco at 11:30 p.m. Pacific Time and my flight to San Luis Obispo does not leave until 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. Am I deterred? Not in the least. Am I discouraged? Not when I can spend a little time relaxing with the aforementioned blonde in the slightly more enjoyable and pleasant climes of Pismo Beach, CA. Am I bored? Impossible when you have hours to people watch in a busy international airport.
In just a few short hours I have already had an eventful evening.
- I have had to pull out all of my powers of deduction to figure out the insane gate and terminal numbering system (I ended up walking a mile in my Loafers to just to find out that I had to go from Point-A to Point-B and back to Point A). I fulfilled my exercise quota for the day but now my feet are begging me to find some running shoes.
- I had to mime my order at the 24-hour Subway because the poor old lady there could not understand my Samoan-Hick-From-Utah accent. I eventually walked away without my foot-long sandwich (they don’t participate in the $5 deal) but I wasn’t about to abandon my large Dr. Pepper. A guy has to draw the line and that is one line that lady was not going to cross with me.
- I had to fight two Chinese foreign exchange college students wearing Oregon Ducks tee-shirts for an electrical outlet to plug in my dying phone and my laptop. I’m a Ducks fan and I like Chinese foreign exchange students so I didn’t fight too hard.
- I got an extra workout an hour after my hike between terminals when the strange guy running the extra loud vacuum cleaner decided that vacuuming the spots directly under my feet and my bags was a matter of national security. He also informed me that removing my shoes in an airport is unhygienic. He should save this type of sage advice for the wonderful folks running the TSA security lines.
- I was privy to a live showing of “Mall Cop” (sorta) when an overzealous officer on a bike stopped a woman who appeared drunk or belligerent (or both) was verbally abusing ticketing agents at the Alaska Airlines ticketing counter. Apparently that type of behavior is frowned upon but that did not stop the lady from coming back after a slightly slimmer version of Paul Blart decided to go ballistic on his unruly elderly passenger. Why am I so inept at shooting video when that “Caught on Video” moment arises?
- It was amusing to watch the tragic and regrettable predictability of the male human species as I sat on a rather uncomfortable standard airport chair in a corner there were nine empty chairs to my left. On the other side of a half wall me was another bank of ten chairs, one of them occupied by an attractive young woman, two other chairs were occupied by men of various ages and sizes. As more men passed by in search of a perch, rather than taking one of my nine available seats, they squeezed in next to…you finish the story because it happens everywhere in the world where there are eager, unattractive men and an attractive woman.
- I’m convinced that the government considers waterboarding its second most effective interrogation tactic. The first and most lethal interrogation method is – that stupid TSA announcement they blare over the P.A. system in the airport at the exact moment that the sleep deprived guy who is stuck in the airport is dozing off! It is cruel and unusual punishment but it is so effective that I’m ready to spill my guts out about all the bad things I’ve done in my life to the undercover agent working at the Subway counter.
- Remember those archaic devices they used to call pay phones? Remember how they would ring and you thought at some point that Neo had to get to it before Morpheus shut down The Matrix? Well I just got a comical reminder of that moments ago when a pay phone started ringing and a girl sitting on the cheap carpet hopped up and answered it like she was Trinity and she was expecting a call from The Matrix because she forgot her latex suit and knee-high leather boots in her locker. Absolutely hysterical.
It’s been fun San Francisco but I’m just hours away from boarding my next flight out and I can’t wait to be gone.
More updates from my adventures on the road coming soon. Oh and by the way, Happy New Year friends!