A fanatics list
If you are an American you know that football no longer has a season – just that small window between the Super Bowl and the moment when coaches decide to start “Unofficial Workouts” for the next official kick-off in seven months.
If you’re the parent of a football player (or in our house five football players) football seems to come too soon. If you’re an over zealous, overly fanatical football crazy dad football, seeing the first kick off of the season is like welcoming home that uncle that you have a love-hate relationship with because he’s loves football as much as you do but he hates every team that you love to cheer for.
Preparing for the football season is no small feat but here are some things that you might want to keep in mind before kick-off weekend.
1. Turn off your cable/satellite – Ever notice that you have more friends during the football season? Ever fail to see friends and family at big events but suddenly see them at your front door just moments before a big game with a super size bag of Doritos in hand, wearing that tattered Jerry Rice Raiders jersey that you can’t stand? Fix the problem – turn off your cable, get rid of your NFL Sunday Ticket and turn on What Not To Wear.
2. Find out who has NFL Sunday Ticket – Once you turn off the college and pro football packages on your cable/satellite, figure out which one of your friends and family members have it, stock up on super size bags of Doritos and show up in your brand spankin’ new Jerry Rice throwback 49ers jersey – then stay until the credits roll.
3. Play as much Madden as possible – If you’re a football coach (especially little league) this is an essential part of your football IQ. You may not know anything about football but if you can paraphrase Madden and ‘dial up a play’ like a pro you got it made. I’ve seen guys lose every game they have ever coached but man do they have the respect and admiration of other coaches who are addicted to Madden talk a good game in real life.
4. Find a bandwagon – Never fails … at the beginning of the season you always run into that one guy: the guy who has no particular allegiance; makes fun of every team in the nation but can’t seem to figure out who he’s really cheering for from one weekend to the next. He gives you some lame excuse like, “I cheer for players not teams.” Oh really? That’s like me saying, “I don’t like cheerleaders, I like their outfits.” This guy is actually on to something – he’s always a winner because he’s always siding with winners. So play it safe people. Find a winning team and stick with them. Until of course, they lose then its time to hitch up to another winner.
5. Put the blinders on – If you’re a player and you’re a horrible one, don’t mind the haters because they can’t be as horrible as you and still be on a team looking good like you. This is a rare talent. You may have been told by your mom your whole life that you’re awesome but even your dad knows you’re terrible. But don’t let it affect you because the only person that matters is you. Your (police) record speaks for itself, right? For inspiration, Google Miley Cyrus. Now that’s livin.
6. Prep your boo bird – Nothing says football season like people who whine and complain about how bad their team is. You need to be a leader in this arena. Pull out every insult in the book and don’t hold back because they suck at football not you and it is your job to let everyone in the stands know. Note: Refer back to #3 – you need to know what a 3-4 Defense is before you ‘advise’ the coach that his 4-4 isn’t working. That’s what Madden would do.
7. Be allergic to Zebra’s – Referee’s are like kryptonite to your super human football powers so reserve your best from #6 for these guys because they have no family, they have no homeland, they have no reason to be treated like they are human.
8. Be a Facebook Fan – Tell everyone on social media how awesome your team is and how horrible their team is. If they don’t like football tell them that they are useless and should donate their organs to science immediately. Do this year round so that no one can ever question that you are excited about football and everyone else is inferior to your football supremacy. And if anyone questions it, please put them on the spot and call their kids ugly because no one should be talking about anything but football.
9. Pack your birthday suit – If there is a lull in the action and everyone is starting to lose interest in the game, do something to draw their attention back to the field. Be a streaker! Everyone loves drunk, belligerent fans who take off their clothes and become part of the Top-10 plays on ESPN. That’s what being a football fan is all about – the game… and you!
Finally … (and most important of all)
10. Ignore this list because football really IS about the game so just shut up, sit down, stuff your face full of Doritos and enjoy it!